City of Morons
by Velvet Liquor
Summary: When Clary meets Shadowhunter Jace, she is sucked into the violent world of cliche puns, plagiarizing authors, Chris Crocker impersonators, and 'hawt' urine-haired teens with daddy issues. What's a gawky ginger to do? Become a Shadowhunter herself, DUH.
1. Utter Fucking Pandemonium

_**DISCLAIMER:**_

******Velvet Liquor here. **

**I do not own the Mortal Instruments series, or any of its characters/settings/and or scenarios. I don't own seedy nightclubs, Al Capone or his relatives, Mexican salsa dancing, the most feared of all villains in literary history, and much, much more.**

_**

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**_

_**CITY OF BONES:**_

**1**

**Utter Fucking Pandemonium**

Narrator: Welcome to Pandemonium, seediest nightclub in the whole of New York City. Pandemonium, where rapists abound and white kids try to rap; where girls become women, and some become men. In fact, Al Capone used to take his grandmother there on a regular daily basis. And apparently where gawky teenage girls and their non-boyfriend Jews come to 'hang out'. This is where our story begins.

(Two teenagers-one a girl with long, curly red hair, and the other a boy with short brown hair, glasses and a Jew nose. They arrive at a nightclub called 'Pandemonium')

Clary: We're here!

Simon: (Look of dismay) The line's, like, three miles long.

(The audience members notices that there are only seven people waiting in line)

Director: What? We couldn't find enough extras.

Demon Boy: Excuse me, coming through! (Pushes his way past the seven people, Clary and Simon, all the way to the Bouncer)

Bouncer: Hey, what the hell do you think you're doing?

Demon Boy: I'm just an average human being with blue hair, fangs, and red eyes... (Giggles nervously) Yep...nothing out of the ordinary about me at all. (Twitches unexpectedly) _**MUST DEVOUR MORTAL FLESH NOW!**_ (Coughs) So...yeah.

Bouncer: (Nonchalantly turns to the camera) Kids, this is why you should always say 'no' to drugs.

Demon Boy: Can I just go in already?

Seven People: Hey! We were here first!

Demon Boy: Yes, but you're only extras. You deviate from the immediate plot, and are all seemingly pointless. So, shoo.

Clary: (Nudges Simon in the ribs) He's pretty sexy, isn't he, Simon?

Simon: For the last time, Clary, I am NOT gay!

Clary: (Giggles) Whatever you say, Simon…

(The Bouncer lets the Demon Boy in)

Demon Boy: Stupid humans…stupid nightclub…stupid New Moon getting fucking 72 million opening night…piece of shit movie…

Isabelle: (Sexy face. Get used to this face, because it's pretty much the only expression she knows how to slap on) Oh…I totally agree…(Insert girlish giggle here)

Demon Boy: HUBBA HUBBA…

Isabelle: (Motions for the Demon Boy to follow her into the storage room)

Demon Boy: Well, a strange girl wearing a long, flowing white dress in a white trash nightclub while sporting a deadly looking golden whip wants me to follow her into a closed off area where no one can see us, or hear me scream for help.

(Prolonged silence)

I think I'll follow her!

(Dance floor)

(Clary and Simon are dancing in the middle of the Pandemonium dance floor)

Simon: Clary, watch this! (Does the robot. Obnoxious robotic voice) Does not compute…

Clary: (Blushes) I don't know him…(Glances over to the left, and sees two boys following after the Demon Boy. She sees that one of them is carrying a knife) Simon!

Simon: What? You finally decided you want to sleep with me? (Hopeful expression)

Clary: Um…no.

Simon: Oh.

Clary: That boy is carrying a knife, and he's going after that blue-haired boy who thinks he's a demon! Now we'll never be able to run off to Paris and live a secret life of thievery and romance! (Pouts)

Simon: Are you _sure _you didn't accidentally buy some dope here?

Clary: Urg! (ClaryRuns off after the boys, leaving Simon behind, looking as if she ran off with his manhood. Not that he ever really had any to begin with)

(Storage room)

Demon Boy: (Tied up to a chair, Isabelle sitting on top of him) I like where this is going…

Isabelle: (Pulls out her golden whip)

Demon Boy: I _still _like where this is going…

(Jace and Alec enter)

Demon Boy: FOURSOME!

Isabelle: 0_o

Jace: Um…not quite. (Brandishes knife)

Demon Boy: (Notices the Marks all over the teenagers' skin) Oh shit. Shadowhunters. Well, if you're still up for the foursome-

Alec: We are NOT interested in sleeping with Downworlders!

Jace: (Turns to the camera) I would like to take the time here to break the fourth wall and mention the word 'foreshadowing'...

Clary: (Reaches the storage room) Hmmmm…I'm a fifteen-year-old girl with no weapon, and there's a dark storage room where some middle-aged man could quite easily rape/mug me…

(Yet _another_ prolonged silence)

I think I'll go in!

(Clary walks into the storage room, hidden by shadows. She sees Jace, Alec, and Isabelle aiming various weapons at the captured Demon Boy)

Jace: Talk, damn it! (Knife aimed at Demon Boy's chest)

Demon Boy: I'M TOO YOUNG TO DIE!

Alec/Isabelle: …

Jace: What are you doing here?

Demon Boy: I was just dancing, ok?

Jace: (The audience members suddenly realize that Jace is now dressed like Sherlock Holmes, and a light bulb is being suspended above Demon Boy's face) WHERE WERE YOU ON THE NIGHT OF THE 27TH?

Alec: (Taps Jace's shoulder) Let me handle this. (Moves in front of Demon Boy) WHERE WERE YOU ON THE NIGHT OF THE 27TH?

Isabelle: (Rolls her eyes) Boys...

Demon Boy: Don't kill me! I can tell you things!

Jace: Things? Like what?

Demon Boy: I know where Valentine is!

(Silence. Suddenly, Jace, Alec, and Isabelle all start to laugh)

Jace: Nice try. Valentine is dead.

Demon Boy: Is not.

Jace: Is too.

Demon Boy: Is not!

Jace: Is too!

Demon Boy: (Childish antics) **IS NOT! IS NOT! IS NOT!**

Jace: (Matching Demon Boy's childish behavior) **IS TOO! IS TOO! IS T-**

Isabelle: Jace, just kill it already; it isn't talking.

Jace: (Giddy expression) I get to _kill_ something?

Isabelle: Uh-huh, and after you kill it, I'll take you and Alec both out for ice cream, ok?

Alec: We get to have _ice cream_?

Isabelle: You betcha!

Jace/Alec: (Happy dance)

Isabelle: But we gotta kill this demon first, ok?

Clary: (Steps from out of the shadows) _Demon_? What are you guys talking about?

Jace: GASP! She can see us!

Alec: Holy crap…

Isabelle: OMG! WHY AREN'T WE INVISIBLE?

Clary: 0_o

Jace: Sorry about that, but Isabelle here suffers from a severe case of stupidity, I'll have you know.

Isabelle: -_-

Clary: He's not a demon, stupid! Granted, he does look a tad bit like he just stepped out of some shitty anime episode, but still…

Jace: Sorry, little girl, but we've got to kill this demon.

Clary: Little girl? You're like, what, a _year_ older than me?

Jace: Yes, but I'm also three heads taller than you.

Clary: What does that have to do with anything?

Jace: (Smirks) You know what they say about tall guys…

Alec: …Nothing?

Jace: -_-

Isabelle: Just kill it already! All it's doing is ranting about Valentine, and everyone knows he's been dead for years.

Demon Boy: No, he's not! He's alive!

Jace: (Sigh) I _hate_ when they bring Valentine into this.

Clary: You can't just kill him!

Jace: Why not?

Clary: Because it's…well…it's mean? (Straightens up) It could go on your permanent record!

Jace/Alec/Isabelle: (Giggle fit)

Clary: (Rolls eyes, and goes to untie Demon Boy. However, Demon Boy pulls an Exorcist and claws at Clary's face) AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!

Jace: Oh, shit! THE POWER OF RAZIEL COMPELS YOU! (Throws the knife at Demon Boy)

Demon Boy: HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISSSSSSSSSSS! (Bursts into a cloud of confetti)

Clary: (Covered in confetti) Um…what's with the fiesta?

Alec: (Suddenly wearing a skimpy Mexican Salsa dress and a sombrero) OLEY!

Isabelle: (Facepalm) And you wonder why Dad calls you his 'other daughter', Alec…

Jace: That's what demons do, little girl. When you kill them, they burst into confetti.

Alec: Showering the world with sparkles and festive decorations! (Grinning)

Jace: I always knew there was something wrong with you.

Alec: D:

Isabelle: Who gives a flying fuck whether or not the demon claims to have known the whereabouts of Valentine, the most feared of all villains in literary history-

Alec: Isabelle, don't you think that's a bit of an exaggeration?

Jace: Yeah. While Valentine is one badass mo-fo, he still has other equally badass mo-fos to compete against for that title.

Isabelle: Oh, yeah? Like who?

Jace: Well, there's Dracula, for one, and Hannibal Lector.

Alec: And while Voldemort isn't as badass as Valentine, he's still more popular.

Clary: And there's that Galbatorix guy from the Eragon books, right?

Jace: (Snicker) Yeah, there's him too, little girl.

Clary: What's wrong with Galbatorix?

Jace: Well, he's not really much of a villain, if you really think about it.

Alec: Yeah, pretty much all he ever does is tax people, which is far from being evil.

Clary: Oh.

Isabelle: KNOCK IT OFF, GUYS! Do you not see the seriousness of what's happening here? There's a Mundie who can see through our invisible force fields!

Alec: Isabelle, I believe you mean 'glamour'…

Isabelle: INVISIBLE FORCE FIELDS!

Clary: 0_o

Jace: Like I said earlier, severe case of stupidity.

Isabelle: -_-

Clary: What's a Mundie?

Jace: (Whispering to Clary) It's short for Mundane. You know, like average human beings?

Alec: Jace, shhhh!

Jace: Oh, come off it, Alec. She just saw us kill a demon; there's really not much of a point keeping her status in life a secret after that.

Alec: I don't know if she really _is_ a Mundie, Jace…I mean, since when can they see demons _or_ us?

Clary: Since the people in question appear to be psychotic and believe themselves to be some kind of demon slayers, or something.

Jace: Actually, we prefer the term 'Shadowhunters' for your information.

Clary: Shadowhunters? Is that, like, a rip-off of those Dark-Hunters, or something?

Cassandra Claire's Voiceover: (Clears throat) Ahem…Clary, that was never proven…

Clary: 0_o

Alec: I think we should take her back to Hodge, guys…

Isabelle: Back to the _Institute_?

Alec: Where else?

Clary: Institute? So are you three, like, escaped crazies or something?

Isabelle: Alec, you _must_ be joking! She'll get that God-awful Mundie smell over _everything_!

Clary: (Nonchalantly sniffs her own armpits)

Jace: Alec may be onto something here, Isabelle.

Isabelle: Well, maybe we-

(Suddenly, Simon barges into the storage room with the Bouncer)

Simon: Clary! Thank God your virginity wasn't stolen by anyone other than myself!

Jace: (Snickers)

Clary: (Glares at Jace) Um…thanks, Simon.

Simon: I brought the Bouncer with me! I told him about the kids you saw with the knife.

Clary: Yeah, they're right behind me!

Simon/Bouncer: 0_o

Simon: Um…where?

Clary: I told you, they're right behind me, Simon.

Simon: :/

Bouncer: (Turns to the audience) Now, remember, kids-

Simon: (Glares at Bouncer) Would you shut up, already? (Turns back to Clary) Clary, there's no one here.

Clary: Yes, there is, Simon! Just look! (Turns around) There's…no one there.

Simon: I TOLD YOU NOT TO BUY THE CRACK, CLARY! NOW YOU'RE SEEING HAWT BOYS WHO ARE NOT ME! (Whines)

Clary: You thought he was hot too? See? I told you that you were gay, Simon.

Simon: -_-

Alec: (Whispering) He's gay?

Isabelle: (Rolls her eyes at Alec) Alec, you need to set your standards higher. For example, look at that scrawny little boy over there.

(Alec turns his gaze toward Simon)

Simon: (Creepy infomercial smile) I'm helplessly scrawny! (Thumbs up)

Isabelle: Now look at Jace.

Alec: (Turns toward Jace, who's drooling over Clary for some odd reason)

Jace: (Even creepier infomercial smile) I'm helplessly sexy! (Thumbs up)

Alec: Hmmm…I see what you mean. (Cuddles up closer to Jace, who doesn't even seem to notice that Alec is practically groping him)

(Later that night)

Simon: (Hands on steering wheel) Your chariot awaits, my princess.

Clary: Simon, you're driving your forty-year-old mom's minivan.

Simon: Just get in the fucking car.

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_**AUTHOR'S NOTE:**_

**I gave up on the whole 'non script format' idea for this parody. I guess you could just say that I got lazy, and I have more important things to work on, like other parodies, speech and debate related shit, and of course, my own novel.**

**I'm really enjoying myself so far. This is of course only the City of Bones portion; it's going to take me at least a year to complete this whole thing, as I'm going by the actual chapters in the books. But I look forward to the insanity, and I hope that you do as well.**

**By the way, just who do _you_ think deserves the title of most feared villain in literary history? This includes comic books, newspapers, you name it.**

**R&R please!**

**~VL**


	2. Secrets and Lies and Morgan Freeman

_**DISCLAIMER:**_

******Once again, I do not own TMI, and I never will either.**

**I do not own Starbucks, cynical readers and their blunt mothers, Morgan Freeman, Chinese milkmen, Dungeons & Dragons, Halo, and the sinkhole in Guatemala City.**

**And of course, who could forget the fact that I do not own an event titled 'Mediocre Teenage Angst Emo Poetry' night, much to my immediate relief. **

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_**CITY OF BONES**_

**2**

**Secrets and Lies and Morgan Freeman**

(Clary's bedroom)

Clary: Dear diary…last night I met this sexy boy named Jace, who thinks he can see and kill demons. God, he was so…sexylicious. Even his hair was just complete utter fucking sexiness all around. It was this odd kind of yellow color; not unlike gold, but more akin to piss, if you know what I mean. I wonder if, when he and those other two get put back in the institute for crazy people, we can still go out for pizza?

Jocelyn: CLARY!

(Clary runs to the living room)

Clary: Yeah, Mom?

Jocelyn: Sweetie, we're moving. Like, now.

Clary: WTF?

Jocelyn: Clary, as your lying, over-protective, often suffocating mother, I do not approve at all of using chatspeak to voice your thoughts.

Clary: WHAT THE FUCK?

Jocelyn: Much better. Now, Luke's here to help us move.

Luke: (Morgan Freeman steps out from behind the refrigerator) Hey, Clary.

Clary: Morgan Freeman? What the hell? I thought Luke was supposed to be white.

Velvet Liquor: Well, apparently he was, but I thought he was being described as black for some odd reason. Now I always picture him as Morgan Freeman, only…better looking.

Luke: :(

Velvet Liquor: Morgan, you're not reading the rest of your script.

Luke: Seriously? Do I have to?

Velvet Liquor: DUH

Luke: But it's so degrading!

Valentine: (Pops out of nowhere) THAT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE A DOWNWORLDER!

(Extremely awkward silence)

Luke: Um...

Jocelyn: Well, then...

Valentine: Oh, right. Bye. (Disappears)

Clary: Ok...who was he?

Joceyln: NONE OF YOUR DAMN BUSINESS!

Clary/Luke: 0_o

Jocelyn: I mean...the milkman. He was the milkman, Clary.

Luke: (Eye roll)

Clary: But our milkman is _Chinese_, Mom. And his name is _Franklin_.

Jocelyn: So did you see the picture of that sinkhole in Guatemala City?

Luke: Mmm-hmm! It was one bigass mo-fo, fo' sho'! (Glares at the camera) Are you happy now?

Velvet Liquor: Fo' sho', Luke!

Luke: (Facepalm)

Clary: Why do I get the feeling that you two are avoiding my questions?

Jocelyn: Because we are.

Luke: DUH

Clary: (Whines. Get used to this) I want to know who that strange man was, and I don't want to leave!

Jocelyn: Why? I mean, you only have like, what, one friend? And doesn't he spend his time playing Halo and Dungeon Wars, or something?

Clary: Dungeons & Dragons, actually, Mom.

Jocelyn: See? Time for a fresh start.

Clary: I'm not leaving!

Jocelyn: What would your father say, young lady?

Clary: I dunno. Isn't he dead, or something?

Jocelyn/Luke: (Shifty eyes. Speaking in unison) Sure…

Jace: (Pops out of nowhere) FORESHADOWING! (Disappears)

Clary: Well, I'm not leaving, and you can't make me! (Stomps over to the front door, and opens it) Simon? What are you doing here?

Simon: Hey, Clary. I was just wondering if you wanted to sleep with me yet.

Clary: (Looks back at Jocelyn and Luke) Why yes, Simon, I _do_ want to sleep with you now. (Exits with Simon and slams the door)

Luke: You don't look too worried.

Jocelyn: Seriously, Luke, all Simon ever does is read shitty vampire novels and play video games, and Clary still thinks that babies come from flying storks. The two of them don't have enough brainpower to _open_ the condom package, let alone know where to _put_ it. Believe me, they'll give up in two minutes.

(Two minutes later, in Simon's mother's minivan)

Clary: I give up.

Simon: (Pouts)

(The audience members suddenly see Jace right outside the car window, playing screechy violin music, trying to 'set the mood', although Clary and Simon remain clueless, as usual)

Simon: So…wanna go listen to my friend Eric's mediocre teenage angst emo poetry?

Jace: (Facepalm) Why the hell do I even bother? (Tosses the violin to the side and stomps offstage)

Clary: (Scowling) Why? Is it 'Mediocre Teenage Angst Emo Poetry' night, again?

Simon: (Whips out a random poster from out of nowhere) You betcha! And we can buy Starbucks there, too!

Clary: Wow! At first I was going to say no to you like I say no to you for everything else, but this new addition of the Starbucks franchise to the situation has completely changed my outlook on the event! Of course I'll go to 'Mediocre Teenage Angst Emo Poetry' night with you, Simon!

Simon: :D

Reader: Yay. Nothing says 'romantic' like semi-angry prepubescant teenagers spewing their 'feelings' out to one another over disgustingly overpriced cups of shit fueled by pop-culture references and the need to be 'cool'.

Reader's Mom: Christ, you're a cynical little bitch, aren't you?

Reader: I aim to please.

Clary: Why not? We've got nothing better to do.

Simon: Well, you know…we _could_ just have sex.

Clary: _You_ wanna try to open the condom package?

Simon: …To 'Mediocre Teenage Angst Emo Poetry' night, it is, then.

* * *

_**AUTHOR'S NOTE:**_

******Yay! Chapter two is up and running now!**

**And I really do feel that way about Starbucks. What can I say? I'm a Seattle's Best girl, myself.**

**Urg. I hate when doesn't center things. -_- Pain in the ass...**

**On a lighter note, what are you liking so far? Not liking?**

**R&R please!**

**~VL**


	3. Shadowy Darkhunters?

_**DISCLAIMER:**_

**As clarified before, I do not own TMI. **

**I don't own Sherlock Holmes disguises (Although I wish that I did), crappy teenage poetry, the Cold War, and Quizilla (Thank God).**

**I don't own Bill Clinton, loincloths, Edward Cullen, America's Got Talent (Which is fine by me, as this season is off to a rather suckish start, if you ask me), and Amy Winehouse.**

**However, I do own the Random Customer, Frank the Bartender, and Vladimir Sokolov, who makes a very brief and very Russian cameo in my original novel.**

* * *

_**CITY OF BONES**_

**3**

**Shadowy Darkhunters?**

(Clary and Simon are at 'Mediocre Teenage Angst Emo Poetry' night)

Simon: (Sipping Starbucks coffee) Isn't this awesome, Clary?

Clary: (Also sipping Starbucks coffee) What's awesome?

Simon: (Still sipping Starbucks coffee) Tonight.

Clary: (Also still sipping Starbucks coffee) What about tonight?

Simon: (Surprisingly enough, still sipping Starbucks coffee) You know…being here with you.

Reader: (Gag)

Clary: (Surprisingly still sipping-)

Reader: GAH! WHAT THE HELL IS WITH ALL THE STARBUCKS SHIT?

Reader's Mom: (Opens bedroom door) Sweetheart, I'm back from work, and I brought Starbucks home!

Reader: DX

(Unknown to Clary and Simon, Jace is sitting two tables away from them, disguised as Sherlock Holmes again, eavesdropping on their conversation)

Clary: Oh…yeah. I like being here with you too, Simon…heh…and not Jace.

Jace: (Ears perk up)

Simon: Who's Jace?

Clary: Well…

Simon: Is she pretty?

Jace: EXCUSE ME? (Everyone in the club whirls on Jace in surprise) Uh…excuse me, waiter? There's um…a fly in my soup.

Waiter: You ordered a salad, sir.

Jace: DON'T ARGUE WITH THE CUSTOMER!

Clary: Uh, yeah, you could say she's pretty.

Simon: Nifty! Maybe she and I could hook up. (Nerdy Jewish grin)

Jace: (Vomits)

(Everyone turns toward Jace in disgust this time)

Jace: (Blushes) There…uh…

Waiter: (Rolls eyes) Let me guess, another fly in the soup that you didn't even order?

Jace: …Yeah.

Simon: (Turns back to Clary) Well…that was…

Clary: Appetizing?

Simon: (Nods)

Clary: Simon, when is this stupid poetry thing starting?

(Suddenly, the lights dim, and a gangly teenage girl walks onto the stage)

Girl:

_I walk down the hallways_

_People give me funny looks_

_I saunter past the jocks and the gays_

_Then I drop all my heavy textbooks_

_Your hand meets mine, I look up_

_And you're my imaginary love toy_

_I wish I could melt you and drink you out of a cup_

_But you're only my dream, the fake teenage boy._

(People snap)

Thank you! That was 'Fake Boy'.

Simon: THAT WAS AWESOME!

Clary: STFU, Simon. You're only saying that because you want to feel her tits.

Jace: Hmmm…I had a hard time feeling your passion, miss. Where is the thrusting lust you feel for this fake boy, hmmm? I need to know more about your past history with this so called 'fake teenage boy', you know?

Girl: (Sobbing) DON'T CRIPPLE MY ARTISTIC SELF EXPRESSION!

(Suddenly a very creepy Russian man walks onto the stage )

Vladimir Sokolov: Grettings, Comrades. My name is Vladimir Sokolov, and I am here to bring dark, meaningful Russian poetry to puny, simple-minded American children.

Random Person in the Audience Whose Voice Sounds Coincidentally Similar to Jace's Voice: In Soviet Russia, _Poetry_ read _you_!

Vladimir Sokolov: (Glares in an oddly disturbing Russian fashion toward the audience)

_But what sickens me_

_is being a martyr._

_I'd rather have a fight,_

_a chance to say I'm right._

_But how can I prove_

_when you're just a shadow._

_I guess I'll never know..._

_- so I guess I'll let it go._

Random Person in the Audience Whose Voice Sounds Coincidentally Similar to Jace's Voice: (Cough) Americans won the Cold War! (Cough)

Vladimir Sokolov: (Suddenly weeping) You heartless Americans and your senseless slaughtering of creative voices!

Girl: (Still whining) I know, right?

Vladimir Sokolov: Wanna go whine about our feelings over two cups of shitty Starbucks coffee?

Girl: THIS IS WHAT MY SOUL WAS MEANT TO DO!

(Vladimir Sokolov and the Girl run off)

Jace: Well…that was unusual, to say the very least.

Clary: Who the hell is Vladimir Sokolov anyway?

Simon: Yeah, is he even in this series?

Velvet Liquor: (Shifty eyes) Um…yes. He's Magnus Bane's…third cousin…five times removed…

Simon: You are totally talking out of your ass, aren't you?

Velvet Liquor: DON'T JUDGE ME!

Clary: VL, did you seriously sit down and type these poems out just for this parody? Because that's really sad if you did, because they're absolutely horrible.

Velvet Liquor: (Grins) Nah, I just stole them from a few saps on Quizilla.

Simon: BUH-ZING!

(Suddenly, Eric walks onstage)

Simon: (Facepalm) Oh God…

Clary: Is he…wearing a loincloth?

Simon: (Groans) It's not covering anything…

Eric: (Thrusts hip out)

Jace: (Vomits along with everyone else in the store)

Eric:

_My loincloth brings all the boys to the yard_

_And they're like,_

_It's tighter than yours_

_Damn right, it's shorter than yours_

_I can teach you,_

_But I have to charge!_

_MY LOINCLOTH BRINGS ALL THE BOYS TO THE YARD!_

Yeah, ladies and gentlemen, that was 'My Loincloth Brings all the Boys to the Yard'! Are you ready for another?

Jace: GOD NO! (Throws an Iratze at Eric's head)

Eric: (Dies)

Everyone in the Store: (Cheering)

Jace: (Smirks) I aim to please, people.

Clary: Oh my God! Simon, that urine-haired boy dressed like Sherlock Holmes just beheaded your friend!

Simon: (Drooling over Clary) Did anyone ever tell you that if you squint at your freckles, they look like a picture of Bill Clinton?

Clary: Um…what?

Simon: I need to go empty my bowels at this precise moment! You know how Starbucks coffee runs through the bladder! (Sprints off to the bathroom)

Jace: (Runs a hand through his piss-colored hair 'sexily') Well now, how convenient for the rest of this chapter's plot! (Plops down next to Clary) Hey there, little girl…

Clary: (Spills coffee all over her shirt in surprise) Oh my God!

Jace: Actually, I prefer Jace. Wait…no, never mind, I prefer God.

Clary: What the hell are you doing here?

Jace: Well, I _was_ trying to eat a salad and drink some shitty coffee in peace, but Loincloth Lad kind of killed the mood.

Clary: No, _you_ kind of killed the mood when you killed _him_.

Jace: Huh…yeah, that too.

Clary: So why did you pull an Edward Cullen?

Jace: Huh?

Clary: You know, being impossibly hot, presumably gay based on how focused on looks you are, stalking me at every opportunity you get-

Jace: You forgot to mention climbing into your bedroom window and staring at you while you drool into your pillow.

Clary: …?

Jace: Nah, just kidding. I don't do that. (Narrows eyes at Clary) Yet.

Clary: You know, I'm going to call the police on your ass!

Jace: For what? Making an invisible boy burst into an explosion of confetti?

Alec: (Randomly appears in the same Mexican salsa dress and sombrero from the first chapter) Oley!

Jace: (Facepalm) Get the hell out of this chapter, Alec!

Alec: Hmmff! (Poufs)

Clary: Is he…?

Jace: Probably. However, that's beside the point. You shouldn't have been able to see us, little girl.

Clary: MY NAME IS CLARY! AND I HAVE GOOD EYESIGHT, SO THERE!

Jace: Dude, you're totally making a scene. Bitching at an invisible boy, and all…

Clary: (Blushes, and then lowers her voice) What the hell are you, Jace?

Jace: I'm a Shadowhunter.

Cassandra Claire's Voiceover: Which is totally not related to Dark-hunters in any way at all! (Nervous laughter)

Clary: Cassandra Claire, you've got some major issues.

Jace: Anyway, the more important question is how the hell could you see us?

Clary: Like I said, good eyesight. And why do you have so many tattoos?

Jace: Actually, they're Marks, stupid.

Clary: Potato, patato.

Jace: (Stands up) Anyway, we should leave. America's Got Talent is on in, like, three minutes.

Clary: I dunno, Sharon's making a few bad calls, and Howie's just plain stupid, and sometime Piers really pisses me off-hey, wait a minute! _We_? Just where the hell do you think _we're_ going?

Jace: DUH. Back to the Institute, Clary.

Clary: Hell no! No way am I going to live with you and the rest of the crazies!

Jace: We are not crazy, Clary! Well…Alec I can understand, but not me and Izzie! Besides, Hodge doesn't want you to get hurt by any Downworlders.

Clary: Downworlders?

Jace: Evil, ugly creatures of the night.

Clary: Amy Winehouse?

Jace: HAHAHA-no. Stupid. You're coming with me.

Clary: NO! I DON'T WANNA GO LIVE WITH THE CRAZY HAWT PEOPLE!

(Inside the store)

Random Customer: Frank, would you look at that?

Frank the Bartender: What is it?

Random Customer: There's this gawky ginger kid running around in circles outside this window! She's yelling and throwing rocks in the middle of the circle, but nothing's there.

Frank the Bartender: (Sighs) Kids today. Too hopped up on pot and licorice to even notice the most mundane of things…

Alec: (Pops up out of nowhere) FRANK SAID MUNDANE! (Disappears)

Random Customer: Hey Frank, did you hear something?

Frank the bartender: Eh…nope.

Simon: (Walks outside) Uh, Clary…are you ok?

Clary: AAAAAAHHHH-Oh. Simon. How long have you been standing there?

Simon: Long enough to see you throw a rock at the ground and screech some unintelligible profanities about Amy Winehouse.

Clary: Yeah…who knew I hated her so much? (Nervous laughter)

Simon: Tell me about it. Let's go back to my mom's minivan. I'll take you to the music store, and we can stomp on all the Amy Winehouse stuff, if that'll make you feel any better.

Clary: Um…sure. (Glances back at Jace, only to see that he's no longer there) Bye, Jace…

Simon: Seriously, you really need to introduce me to this Jace girl. Sounds uber delicious.

Jace: DX

Reader: (Facepalm)

(Simon and Clary are in Simon's mother's minivan, smashed up Amy Winehouse CDs littering the backseat)

Simon: I HAVE NEEDS, CLARY!

Clary: OMG! ME TOO, SIMON!

Simon: (Moves in for a kiss)

Clary: As in, I need to call my mom and let her know that I'm perfectly fine, and that my virginity is still intact!

Simon: (Groan)

(Suddenly, Clary's cell phone bings)

Cell Phone: BING!

Simon: You just binged.

Clary: I know that I just binged, Simon! (Stares at the screen)

Jocelyn: (Text message) O NO CLRY I IS N RL BIG TRUBBL HELP MEE DER IZ DEMUNS AFTUH ME & I NO KNO WHERE LUKE IS! AHHHHH! DO NOT CUM HOME! DANGER!

Simon: (Snicker) LOL…'cum home'…

Clary: GASP!

Simon: What is it?

Clary: I know that my mother just urgently demanded that I not come home, to hopefully protect me from a possible threat toward my well-being, but I think I'll run on home anyway! (Jumps out of the car and starts running into the middle of New York City traffic)

Simon: Why didn't she just let me _drive _her home?

* * *

_**AUTHOR'S NOTE:**_

**Phew! Three chapters in one day! I'm on a roll! **

**Too much bad poetry in one sitting can rot your brain, you know. There's almost nothing worse than being forced to read/listen to really bad teenage poetry. I feel Jace's pain in this chapter, I really do.**

**Anyway, so what are you liking about this parody? Not liking? Favorite characters? Least favorite? What do you hope to see in later chapters?**

**Anyway, hope you're enjoying it.**

**R&R please!**

**~VL**


	4. Ravager

_**DISCLAIMER:**_

**I do not own TMI, although sometimes I wish that I did, simply to satisfy my need for fame and lots of cash.**

**I do not own DC Comics (Which means I don't own Batman D:), The League of Evil, Ravager, or a gun. However, my father does own one. Just so you know. Obviously.**

**I do own a sofa, although it isn't a portal into my mind, at least not that I've seen so far.**

_**

* * *

**_

_**CITY OF BONES:**_

**3**

**Ravager**

(Clary's apartment front door)

Clary: (Opens the door) Mom!

(Suddenly, she sees a man in a superhero costume standing in the middle of her living room)

Clary: Um…who are you?

Ravager: The name's Ravager, kid.

Clary: Ravager? Don't you mean 'Ravener'?

Ravager: No, I meant exactly what I said.

Clary: Well where the hell is the demo-

Demon: (Jumps at Clary from behind the sofa) I is attackin' you!

Clary: Oh no, I is being attacked! (Suddenly, Clary whips a gun from out of her bra, and shoots the demon)

Demon: WTF? (Dies)

Clary: (Stares at the camera) What? This is _New York City_, people. A girl's gotta be prepared for anything.

Audience Member #1: That was so sexy…

Audience Member #2: How so? The fact that she can stuff a gun down her bra can only mean one thing: there wasn't anything under there to begin with.

Clary: -_-

Audience Member #1: I think she heard you…

Audience Member #2: (Rolls eyes)

Ravager: Wow. That was pretty kick-ass, kid.

Clary: Gee, you think? (Swishes red hair 'sexily')

Ravager: Yeah. Too bad I have to kill you, though.

Clary: Say what?

Ravager: Yeah, I was sent by Valentine.

Clary: I thought he was supposed to be dead?

Ravager: Unless I was dealing with a zombie, I'm pretty sure he's alive.

Corny Narrator Voice from the Fifties: Meanwhile in the League of Evil!

Lex Luthor: (Reading a resume) So…I see here that your name is Valentine Morgenstern…

Valentine: (Zombie appearance) Actually, I go by 'Zombie Valentine' now.

Lex Luthor: Listen, we're in two completely different genres. I just don't see how your addition to the team can benefit us.

Valentine: What team? There's you, the Joker, and some fat kid dressed up like Superman. I don't see how I _can't_ benefit the team.

Lex Luthor: Don't make fun of Gerald! He's very sensitive about his weight.

Gerald: GERALD MAKE HIS OWN COSTUME!

Valentine: Um…I'm gonna leave now.

(Back at Clary's apartment)

Clary: Well…that was…strange.

Ravager: Yeah, Velvet Liquor parodies are always strange from what I hear.

(Suddenly Sweeney Todd jumps out from behind the couch too)

Sweeney: YOU HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA! (Jumps back over the couch, disappearing)

Clary: Seriously, what the hell is behind my couch?

Ravager: Sweeney Todd making a non-violent entry? Well, that's a first.

Clary: I guess. So…why exactly do you want to kill me?

Ravager: Well, I'm actually supposed to keep you alive, but I'm not going to.

Clary: Why the hell not?

Ravager: Well, duh, Clary. I'm a comic book villain. Since when do I ever follow the rules?

Clary: Why can't you go and kill a superhero, then?

Ravager: Hmmm…you make a good point there…

Clary: I know, so go kill like, Batman or something!

Ravager: Kill Batman? No way! He's off limits!

Clary: So you don't have any other superheroes that you can go and kill?

Ravager: Not really.

Clary: Oh. Well then, I guess you really do have to kill me.

Ravager: DUH. (Leaps at Clary with a giant metal staff)

Clary: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!

(Suddenly, Jace bursts through the door)

Jace: Ravager!

Ravager: Jace!

Clary: …Clary.

Ravager: Well, now that the plot has come to town, I can make my evil dramatic exit! (Disappears in a cloud of blue smoke)

Clary: …

Jace: VICTORY IS MINE! (Turns toward Clary) Oh, Clary! I totally didn't see you there!

Clary: Are you fucking kidding me? Who the hell was he?

Jace: (Shrugs) No clue.

Clary: But…but you said his name…

Jace: I say lots of people's names. (Awkward silence) Clary. See?

Clary: What was he doing here?

Velvet Liquor: I…I just like super villains.

(Awkward silence)

Velvet Liquor: Ok…I'm leaving now. (Disappears)

Clary: (Whirls on Jace) What are _you_ doing here?

Jace: Um…why are you holding a gun?

Clary: I just shot that demon.

Jace: What demon?

Clary: Oh, apparently there's some weird kind of portal behind my sofa that's linked to the rest of Velvet Liquor's parodies/her mind.

Jace: Ooh. Scary thought.

Clary: Tell me about it. Anyway, you seem surprised that I shot the demon. Why?

Jace: But I was sort of figuring that you would have fainted by now.

Clary: Why's that?

Jace: Isn't that was damsels in distress _usually_ do?

Clary: I am no damsel in distress! I can hold my own against any obstacle that may oppress me! I am a determined, free-willed woman, and no man may demean me! (Independent music playing in the background) For I am woman, hear me cry!

Jace: (Grabs the gun from Clary's hand and hits her with it, and she passes out, the independent music screeching to a halt) Oh look! A damsel in distress! I think I'll come to her rescue! (Independent music starts back up again) For I am man, and that's just what we do. (Runs out of the apartment door, Clary hanging limply over his shoulder)

* * *

_**AUTHOR'S NOTE:**_

**Ok, least favorite chapter right here. I had no idea what to do, so I had to drag in DC Comic jokes, simply because 'Ravener' sounding similar to 'Ravager' seemed to funny an opportunity to pass up. So sorry if this chapter is unfunny/confusing, as it most likely is. **

**Anyway, I hope you guys like this so far. Thanks so much for the encouraging reviews, and I hope you'll stick around for more.**

**R&R please!**

**~VL**


	5. Anthony Hopkins and the Clave

**__****_DISCLAIMER:_**

**Once again, I do not own TMI.**

**I do not own God, _Psycho_, Anthony Hopkins, Betsy Cline, fat black ladies, or Prince Poppeycock.**

**I also do not own London or Lord Voldemort.**

**_

* * *

_**

**_CITY OF BONES:_**

**5**

**Anthony Hopkins and the Clave**

(Clary's drifting in between consciousness and unconsciousness. Jace, Alec, and Isabelle are talking over her bed)

Alec: Wow! You took down a Ravager, Jace?

Jace: Seriously, Alec, I swear! It was this big! (Motions size with hands)

Isabelle: (Rolls eyes) Boys…again.

Clary: (Mumbles in sleep)

Isabelle: I bet she's gonna die.

Jace: Isabelle! Don't say that in front of her!

Alec: I agree with Isabelle.

Jace: WTF, Alec?

Alec: What? Oh, come on, don't blame me! Cassandra Claire's the one who made me such a bitch in the first book, remember? Apparently I'm supposed to hate Clary on sight, or something.

Jace: How come?

Alec/Isabelle: …No reason.

Jace: (Shrugs)

Narrator: Sometime later…

(Clary wakes up in an unfamiliar bedroom)

Clary: Why am I in an unfamiliar bedroom?

Isabelle: Because you and Jace slept together last night, Clary.

Clary: ?

Isabelle: (Snicker) JK, JK. But you have been asleep for three days.

Clary: Where's Jace?

Isabelle: Hell if I know. Anyway, I should probably let Hodge know that you're awake.

Clary: You guys mentioned that name in the first chapter, didn't you?

Isabelle: Most likely. Hodge is our tutor. He teaches us all kinds of kick-ass lessons, all the way from kicking some major demon ass, to knitting rather comfortable wool sweaters.

Clary: Um…ok, then?

Isabelle: Anyway, I'd better go and get him. You stay right here, ok?

Clary: Who, me? Why, I would _never_ think of disobeying a direct order from someone who probably knows better than me, therefore putting myself in more harm than I would normally have been in if I had just stayed put.

Isabelle: Well that sure sounded convincing! (Exits)

Clary: …Seriously? She bought it?

Cassandra Claire: I didn't exactly put her in the book for her intelligence, you know.

(Clary's wandering down an empty hallway, only to hear the sounds of a piano being played from the dining room. She enters the room, only to see Jace)

Clary: Jace?

Jace: (Facing the opposite direction, his back to Clary. Looks up in surprise) Um…who's there?

Clary: (Mischievous grin) It's God, Jace.

Jace: G-God?

Clary: Yes, Jace. It is I, God.

Jace: Um…what do you want?

Clary: Jace, you've got some explaining to do.

Jace: (Sobbing) I didn't mean to! I swear, it was just an accident!

Clary: Go on, Jace…

Jace: She was just there on the bed, and my hand slipped on accident, and before I knew it, I was fooling around with Clary, and I didn't-

Clary: OH MY GOD! ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?

Jace: (Turns around, laughing) Ha. You phail at life, Clary.

Clary: (Enters the room, glaring at Jace) Where am I?

Jace: (Leans in eerily close to Clary, an insane grin lighting up his face) You're in the _Institute_, Clary. (_Psycho_ music playing in the background)

Clary: So…you kidnapped me?

Jace: (Facepalm) No, I _rescued_ you. There's a big difference.

Clary: But I didn't even _need_ rescuing!

Jace: Yes, you did.

Clary: Um, no, I'm pretty sure that I didn't. (Whips the gun from out of her bra) Remember this?

Jace: JUST LET ME HAVE MY MOMENT!

Clary: Jesus, ok! My God, no need to have a hissy fit, Jace.

Jace: (Insert hilariously dramatic hissy fit here)

Clary: Christ, you act like a teenage girl.

Jace: So you mean to say that I act like _you_?

Clary: Touché.

Jace: Come on; let's get you to Hodge.

(Jace and Clary are walking down the hallway)

Clary: So who lives here?

Jace: Alec, Isabelle, Hodge, and Me.

Clary: You mean that you guys don't have any parents?

Jace: Alec and Isabelle's parents took their little brother, Max, to the magical city of glass that doesn't even come into play until the third book.

Clary: What about _your_ parents?

Jace: Sorry, but I can't answer that question until later, so that we're actually following along with the plot.

Clary: Oh. I see.

(The enter the library)

Clary: Woah…lots of books…

Hodge: Hello there, Clary!

Clary: Um…Anthony Hopkins?

Hodge: Well, DUH, Clary. Every old recluse in literary history who turns out to be a villainous baddie in the end has to be played by Anthony Hopkins.

Jace: Um…what was that about turning bad in the end?

Hodge: Oh…nothing. Nothing at all.

Jace: (Shrugs)

Hodge: (Creepy smile) Wanna see my big bird, Clary?

Clary: EWWWWW! GOD NO, YOU SICK TWISTED PERVERT!

Hodge: Um…this is Hugo, my raven…

Clary: Oh. I see.

Hodge: So anyway, Clary, Jace tells me that you took on Ravager _and_ a Ravener demon. Is this true?

Clary: Yeah! I shot it! (Whips the gun out of her bra and starts waving it about frantically)

Everyone: AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!

(Suddenly, Alec shoots out of nowhere and slams into Clary, knocking the gun out of her hands, bullets ricocheting everywhere)

Jace: Well that was…pathetic.

Alec: Oh, shut up, Jace! (Turns to Hodge) See? She doesn't even know how to _handle_ a gun, let alone _shoot_ one!

Hodge: …So Clary, did you catch Tuesday's episode of America's Got Talent?

Alec: (Facepalm)

Clary: Well, I've sort of been asleep for three days, so not really…

Hodge: (Turns to Jace) So did you see it, Jace?

Jace: Sure did! And boy, was I pissed at Sharon! I mean, How the hell did the ugly Betsy Cline chick get through to the next round?

Hodge: Seriously! But that big fat black chick was pretty good.

Alec: How incredibly…racist of you, Hodge…

Clary: I did see the one with Prince Poppycock, however, and he was pretty awesome.

Jace/Hodge: IKR?

Alec: Ok, when you three are done fangirling over one of the most obnoxious television shows on air, can we get back to the actual plot?

Clary: Alec's right! The demons took my mom!

Alec: So?

Clary: What do you mean 'so'?

Alec: Well they obviously had a reason.

Clary: Oh yeah? Like what?

Alec: Well…maybe she…owed them money.

Jace: Yeah, maybe Valentine used to be her pimp!

Velvet Liquor: Close, but not quite, Jace.

Clary/Jace/Alec: …Ew.

Hodge: (Nervous laughter) Ok now, back to the actual plot!

Alec: Hey, Hodge?

Hodge: Yeah?

Alec: How come you get twitchy whenever anyone mentions Valentine's name in your presence?

Hodge: Well-

Jace: FORESHADOWING!

Everyone: (Stares at Jace)

Jace: Um…I'm kind of the 'foreshadowing' guy, in case you couldn't tell.

Hodge: (Turns back to Clary) I'm actually rather surprised that you survived the attack. Most mundanes die when attacked by demons.

Jace: Well, actually…you see…I Marked her.

Clary/Alec/Hodge: YOU WHAT?

Jace: (Lifts up Clary's sleeve) I put a Mark on her.

Reader: (Reading the description of what the Mark looks like) WTF? It's a _smiley face_?

Jace: You must have Clave blood in you somewhere, Clary.

Clary: How? My mom's…well, she just couldn't be.

Jace: What about your dad?

Clary: He's dead. At least that's what Luke and my mom have been telling me my entire life.

Jace: FORE-

Hodge: Jace. STFU.

Jace: :(

Clary: Well, I could always call Luke and ask him. I'm sure he would know the truth.

Alec: But didn't you just say that Luke was helping your mom potentially lie to you?

Clary: Don't question my logic, Alec. (Walks over to the phone and dials Luke's number) Come on, pick up, pick up…

Luke: Hello?

Clary: Luke! You're home! THANK GOD!

Luke: WTF, Clary?

Clary: Have you heard from Mom?

Luke: Um…nope.

Clary: D:

Jace: Hang on a minute. I recognize that voice! HOLY SHIT, IT'S MORGAN FREEMAN!

Alec: MORGAN FREEMAN IS ON THE OTHER LINE?

Hodge: SQUEE!

Luke: (Sigh)

Clary: Sorry, Luke. It's just that Hodge and the others are fangirling over your voice, and-

Luke: HODGE? I GOT MY OWN PROBLEMS, HO! (Hangs up)

Clary: Um…what the hell just happened?

Jace: Wow. I'm sorry, Clary.

Alec: Yeah, if we'd have known how uppity Morgan Freeman was, we would have been quieter.

Clary: (Sniffle) He…he hung up on me…

Hodge: You know, Clary, I know that you're kind of having a moment here, but… (Whips out a picture of Morgan Freeman) Would you mind getting this autographed for me?

Clary: BAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWW!

Alec: Anyway, back to the plot now! JESUS CHRIST, JACE! MARKING A MUNDIE IS, LIKE, THE EIGHTH DEADLY SIN!

Jace: She would have died if I hadn't.

Alec: But she could have died from that Mark, Jace!

Jace: BUT SHE DIDN'T!

Clary: Um, guys? I wasn't even attacked by a demon. I _shot_ the demon, remember? Jace is the one who knocked me out.

Jace/Alec: STAY OUT OF THIS, LITTLE GIRL!

Clary/Hodge: 0_o

Hodge: Um…you wanna go talk in my office?

Clary: That would be nice…

(Clary and Hodge run from a screaming ball of Jace and Alec's fists)

Narrator: However, before they shut the library door, the two hear a rather alarming cry)

Jace: GODDAMN IT, ALEC! STOP TRYING TO GROPE ME!

Alec: D:

(Clary and Hodge dart over to his office)

Clary: (Suddenly flops down on Hodge's couch and starts wailing) I WANNA FIND MY MOMMY!

Hodge: Yeah, well, we don't know where she is. So there.

Clary: I thought you were supposed to be helpful?

Hugo: Just wait until Chapter 19…

Hodge: (Clamps a hand over Hugo's beak) Shhhh!

Clary: Huh?

Jace: (Bruised and covered in blood, and arm in a sling from his battle/grope-fest with Alec) FORESHADOWING!

Clary/Jace: Get the hell out, Jace!

Jace: (Mutters under breath before exiting and slamming the door)

Hodge: So did the demon say anything to you?

Clary: No, but Ravager said that Valentine sent him, but-

Hodge: (Heart attack)

Clary: OMG! Are you ok?

Hodge: No, you dumbshit! I just had a freaking heart attack!

Clary: Oh. Right.

Hodge: Sorry about that, but every time I hear/say Valentine's name something noticeably bad happens to me. (Nose breaks) AAAAAIIII!

Clary: Well isn't that a coincidence?

(Clary and Hodge hear footsteps outside the door)

Clary/Hodge: JACE, DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT!

Jace: (Grumbles before leaving)

Clary: Who is Valentine anyway?

Hodge: (Gets a random headache) Seriously, don't say his name!

Clary: Oh. Sorry. Ok, who is…He Who Must Not be Named?

Narrator: Meanwhile, somewhere in London!

Voldemort: OH I DON'T THINK SO!

(Back to Clary and Hodge)

Hodge: He was a Shadowhunter way back in the day, but he turned evil when he heard about the Peace Accords between the Shadowhunters and Downworlders.

Clary: Oh yeah, Downworlders! Jace told me about them. Things like Amy Winehouse, am I right? (Hold her hand up for a high-five)

Hodge: …What?

Clary: Never mind. So why is Val-

Hodge: (Cringes)

Clary: I mean…why is He Who Must Not be Named being the one who sent Ravager and the demon to kill me so impossible?

Hodge: Because Valentine has been dead for, like, sixteen years. (Arm randomly falls off, blood spraying everywhere) OH DEAR GOD IN HEAVEN! NOW YOU'VE GOT ME SAYING IT!

Clary: Hmmm…Valentine has been dead for, like, sixteen years, which is almost how old I am…hmmm…what could this mean?

Reader: Seriously, Clary? SERIOUSLY?

Clary: So what would He Who Must Not be Named be after if he really was alive?

Hodge: I'm just gonna take a wild guess and say the Mortal Cup.

Clary: What's that?

Hodge: The Mortal Cup allows Shadowhunters to make new Shadowhunters. But it's been missing for sixteen years as well, so who know where it could be?

Jace: (Whispering from outside the door) Foreshadowing…

Hodge: (Sigh) Anyway, Clary, you should go get yourself into some dangerous shenanigans with Jace and the others while I write to the Silent Brothers.

Clary: Who are the Silent Brothers?

Hugo: YOU'LL FIND OUT SOON ENOUGH! MUHAHAHAHA!

Clary/Hodge: 0_o

Hugo: I mean…squawk?

Clary: Ok…I'm leaving now…(Exits)

Hodge: Phew! That was a close one, Hugo! (Hodge walks over to his desk, takes out a piece of paper, and begins to write a letter on it out of red ink, which is obviously the color most favorably used by evil villains) There we go! (Ties it to Hugo's leg, and the raven flies out the window. Hodge turns to the 'camera') He's totally flying to the Silent Brothers, and not Valentine at all!

Reader: (Facepalm)

Hodge: OH SHIT, I SAID IT AGAIN! (Randomly falls out the window, arms flailing about)

* * *

_**AUTHOR'S NOTE:**_

**No Jace, you fail at life for spelling 'fail' like 'phail'. Damn hipster...**

**Ok, this is honestly my favorite chapter so far. I especially love Hodge. :)**

**And yes, I did envision him as Anthony Hopkins in the book, who just so happens to be my all-time favorite actor.**

**He's in for a world of hurt in this parody, as you can already see. **

**And Jace is the 'Foreshadowing' guy. I think it suits him, don't you?**

**Anyway, thanks for all the awesome reviews so far! I hope you like the parody, and suggestions are more than welcome!**

**R&R please!**

**~VL**


	6. I'm Bringing Forsaken Back

_**DISCLAIMER:**_

**Once again, I do not own TMI. That much should be exceedingly obvious by now.**

**I do not own candy shops, Tinker Bell, and of course I do not own America's Got Talent, for which I am quite thankful.**

**I don't own the Rocky Horror Picture Show, even though I secretly wish that I did. I do not own french fries and porn, or Mickey Mouse (Never thought I'd live to see the day where I use 'french fries and porn' and Mickey Mouse' in the same sentence).**

**I also do not own any chip n' dale dancers.**

**

* * *

**

**City Of Bones**

**6**

**I'm Bringing Forsaken Back**

(Clary is walking down one of the Institute's various hallways, and stumbles upon Jace and Alec, shining and preparing armor in a small, cluttered room)

Clary: (Enters the room) What is this place?

Jace: (Scowls) What the hell does it look like?

Alec: Psh. Don't ask, Jace. She probably thinks it looks like a candy shop, or something equally moronic. You know how Mundies are.

Clary: Like I would go and eat a mace in a candy shop. Get real, Alec.

Jace: (Grins at Alec) Yes, she's obviously more of a 'go to a candy shop to eat a dagger' type of girl.

Clary: (Glares) What are you even doing here?

Alec: Preparing the seraph blades, if you must know.

Clary: Ooh, shiny magic stuffs!

Alec: Say what?

Jace: Dude. We don't do magic and all that other Tinker Bell bullshit, ok?

Clary: Then what is it?

Jace: …Um…

Alec: Heavenly forces?

Jace: …Yeah. What he said.

Clary: Well…that seems even dumber than my magic theory, to be completely honest.

Jace: OH NO SHE DIDN'T! (Pulls his arm back, preparing to throw an Iratze at Clary's head)

Alec: (Puts his hand on Jace's shoulder, stopping him) Dude. You seriously need to stop that.

Clary: Yeah, it's fine killing off the stock characters and all, but when you find yourself attempting to execute the actual protagonists, you know you've got a serious problem.

Jace: (Mutters profanities under his breath)

Clary: So anyway, Hodge said I could go home.

Jace/Alec: WTF?

Clary: Well, his exact words were "Anyway, Clary, you should go get yourself into some dangerous shenanigans with Jace and the others while I write to the Silent Brothers", and who am I to disagree with him?

Alec: He didn't say you could go back to that filthy Mundie apartment of yours, though.

Jace: Yeah, he said 'shenanigans', not 'go home and get yourself offed', Clary. I mean, he could have just meant that we could go see a movie, or raid a local bookstore for all we know.

Clary: Well, I'm going home.

Jace: (Sighs) Fine. I'm coming with.

Alec: Do you need me to come? (Hopeful face)

Jace: (Oblivious to the sexual innuendo in Alec's question) Alec, nah, I don't need you to come.

Alec: D:

Jace: No, we'll be riding the subway, Alec, and less people means better seats. I just need Clary to come, that way when we ride, I can get off at the right spot.

Alec: (Look of horror)

Jace: …Is there something you're not telling me? Whatever. I'll be back later, Alec. (Exits)

Clary: Are you sure you don't want to come with Jace and me?

Alec: GTFO. NOW.

Clary: (Shrugs. Exits)

(Elevator)

Clary: So…Alec doesn't seem to like me too much.

Jace: Yeah, neither does Isabelle.

Clary: What? Why not?

Jace: She thinks you're ugly.

Clary: Yeah, well, I think she's ugly!

Jace: (Raises eyebrow at Clary)

Clary: (Mutters profanities under her breath) Anyway, how did you know that I had Shadowhunter blood in me?

Jace: I didn't.

Clary: But you Marked me, didn't you?

Jace: I just guessed.

Clary: But Alec said that Marking a Mundie could kill them! You told them you knew for sure, Jace!

Jace: I lied.

Clary: Are you kidding me? You could have killed me!

Jace: Well, if it makes you feel any better, I knew there was, like, a 60% chance that you had Shadowhunter blood in you.

Clary: Are you honestly telling me that you knew there was at least a 40% chance that Marking me could kill me, yet you still did it anyway?

Jace: …Yeah, pretty much.

Clary: Oh, ok, then… (Knees Jace in the groin)

Jace: Aaaaaggghhhh…you were supposed to slap me, you bitch…

Clary: Oops. Guess I improvised. Well, if it makes you feel any better, I knew there was at least a 60% chance that I would slap you, but I guess that 40% chance that I would kick you in the stones was just too good to pass up.

Jace: Just press the damn button.

(Jace and Clary are riding the subway now)

Clary: (Notices two hot girls are drooling all over Jace) Those two tramps are giving you the eye.

Jace: I know. It's because I'm hot and stuff. And what makes you say they're tramps?

Clary: They're flashing us.

Jace: Oh…well, I can't blame them for showing me their sweater muffins, you know, 'cause I'm so smoldering hot and sexy.

Clary: Wow. You're really modest, you know that?

Jace: You know, you're actually the first person to ever tell me that…I wonder why.

Clary: (Facepalm) Wait. How can those girls even see you? You constantly bitch and moan about how I could see you, Alec, and Isabelle, yet you're perfectly fine with those two hoes being able to see you just because they happen to be well endowed?

Jace: Well that too, but sometimes we're just too lazy to use glamours.

Clary: By the way, I _am_ sort of sorry for kicking you in your happy place back at the Institute.

Jace: (Nonchalantly slides hands over his crotch) Just to be safe…

Clary: I'm just glad it was you. Isabelle looks like she would just impale me with her high heels, and Alec already hates my guts enough as it is.

Jace: Oh yeah, they could both totally kick your ginger ass. And Alec likes to pull hair, too.

Clary: How are you even connected with the Lightwoods anyway?

Jace: They're my adopted family. You'll learn more about that situation when the plot arrives at my severe angst problems and crippling daddy issues.

Clary: Oh…well that sounds…pleasant.

Jace: Can we speed things up a bit? I wanna get home in time so I can complain some more to Hodge about the conclusion to America's Got Talent.

Clary: You're STILL going on about that show? It ended MONTHS ago!

Jace: Yeah, but the only reason we didn't keep it as the running joke for this parody was because of _someone's_ (Glares at Velvet Liquor) inability to update during the duration of the show's season.

Velvet Liquor: (Shrugs) It was a shitty season anyway, to be fairly honest, Jace.

Jace: (Suddenly crying, mascara running down his face) POPPYCOCK! WHY, GOD, WHY? HE HAD SO MUCH TO OFFER!

Velvet Liquor: There, there, Jace, I know, I know…

Clary: Anyway…how about that speeding up thing?

Velvet Liquor: Oh, right. (Snaps, and suddenly everyone in the subway train jumps to their feet, besides Jace and Clary)

Clary: Oh God.

Jace: (Glowers)

Subway Driver:

_It's astounding_

_Time is fleeting_

_Madness takes its toll_

Clary: (Stands up in alarm) Wait…who the hell is driving this thing?

Jace: Just sit down, Clary. I want to get this thing over with as quickly as I can.

Subway Driver:

_Listen closely_

_Not for very much longer_

_I've got to keep control_

(Suddenly starts dancing all over the subway train, knocking people down all over the place)

_I remember, doing the time warp_

_Drinking those moments when_

_The blackness would hit me_

_And the void would be calling_

Subway Goers:

_Let's do the time warp again!_

(Cut to Valentine, dancing all around a comatose Jocelyn)

Valentine:

_It's just a jump to the left_

(Cut back to Subway Goers)

Subway Goers:

_And then a step to the right_

(Cut back to Valentine)

Valentine:

_With your hands on your hip_

(Cut back to Subway Goers)

Subway Goers:

_You bring your knees in tight_

(Suddenly, Jace jumps up and starts dancing and singing with the rest of the Subway Goers, thrusting his hips out, much to Clary's immediate horror)

Jace:

_But it's the pelvic thrust that really drives you insane!_

Jace/Valentine/Subway Goers/Subway Driver:

_Let's do the time warp again!_

(Suddenly, everything returns back to normal, and Jace is the only one standing up, confused and shocked, while everyone else, including Clary, is staring at him like he's a freak)

Clary: Um…what the hell was that? Why was everyone singing and dancing? Hell, why were YOU singing and dancing?

Jace: (Sits down, fuming) That was the Rocky Horror Picture Show, Clary, and we all just did the fucking Time Warp.

Clary: Well, yeah, but still, why were you-

Jace: Oh, look, we've conveniently reached our confirmed destination of Clary's mother's apartment complex! Let us forget this extremely awkwardly spontaneous musical number and embark on our quest to save Jocelyn Fray!

Clary: :D

Reader: Um…wow. Could this protagonist be any more of a complete dumbass?

Reader's Mother: Jesus, there you go again. Being all cynical, and stuff.

(Jace and Clary arrive at the apartment)

Clary: Well, it looks perfectly normal and safe; so let's just go in-

Jace: (Stops Clary with his arm) Simmer down there, hot rod…we need to check this baby for demonic frequencies. (Whips out a strangely plastic looking device)

Clary: What's that?

Jace: It's a sensor. It shows Shadowhunters frequencies demonic in nature, and allows us to track the demons and kill them.

Clary: Yeah, well that looks like something you dug out of a cereal box.

Jace: Ha! Silly Mundie! You ludicrous ordinary human beings know nothing of our high-tech Shadowhunter weaponry used for tracking and destroying the most demonic of creatures.

Clary: Whatever. (Enters apartment)

Jace: (Mutters under breath) Whatever my ass, you stupid ginger bitch. Frosted Flakes rock. (Enters apartment) What are you staring at?

Clary: There's blood on the floor. Is it mine from last night?

Jace: No, you dumbass. If it were, it would be dry and crusty, like-

Clary: Amy Winehouse?

Jace: Actually, I was going to say Joan Rivers, but that's even better!

Clary: :)

Jace: Clary, I hope you don't take this as a terribly awkward question or anything, but is there a reason you and your mom were allergic to furniture and kitchen stuff?

(Clary looks around, only to see that their apartment has been cleaned out)

Clary: What the hell would a demon want with all of our kitchen appliances? Where the hell is the refrigerator? That was brand new! I mean, what the hell do demons even need microwaves for?

(Cut to Valentine, who is in a large room filled with all of the appliances and furniture his demons stole from Clary's apartment)

Valentine: (Clutching onto the stolen microwave itself, while waving it over a comatose Jocelyn) HAHA Jocelyn! Who's got the stainless steel microwave now?

(Cut back to Jace and Clary)

Jace: (Shrugs) Beats me.

Clary: Hmmm…maybe it was that dirty, washed up psychic downstairs who always used to read my mother's palm for French fries and porn.

Jace: …Sounds like a real winner. Anyway, a psychic at the scene of the crime? That's real convenient.

Clary: Forget it. She also said that I would fall in love with my brother, and I'm an only child.

Jace: FORESHADOWING!

Clary: …Or she's just a fake.

Jace: …Yeah, that too, I guess. Well, anyway, there doesn't seem to be anything here, so-

(Suddenly, a zombie-like being rushes at Jace and Clary)

Forsaken: AAAAAHHHHHH! FORSAKEN SMASH! (Hits Jace with the refrigerator)

Jace: Ung…I think that answers your question about the fridge, Clary…

Clary: (Whips yet another gun from out of her bra and shoots the Forsaken with it) Forsake you later!

Jace: ….

Clary: …That didn't really work, did it?

Jace: No. No, it did not.

Clary: (Shrugs, and lifts the refrigerator off of Jace)

Jace: Thanks. Say, why do you suddenly get so strong when it's absolutely necessary that you save other characters, yet remain pointless, whiny, and completely codependent upon me throughout the rest of the story?

Clary: I dunno. I guess I just do whatever the writer tells me to do. Anyway, are you ok?

Jace: No, my arm hurts a little, to be completely honest. (Sits up in full view of the camera, and the audience now sees that his left arm has been ripped off, and fake blood is spewing EVERYWHERE)

Clary: OH MY GOD! YOU'RE GETTING BLOOD ALL OVER OUR CARPET!

Jace: …Seriously? :/

Clary: You just had your arm fucking ripped off, yet you're just sitting here looking at me with a blank expression?

Jace: (Pops his arm back on, and uses an Iratze to reconnect it) Christ, are you happy, you sappy little twit?

Clary: :D

(Walking downstairs)

Clary: So what was that thing up there?

Jace: Forsaken. That's what happens to Mundies when they get Marked.

Clary: Yikes. That could have been me?

Jace: Yeah, I guess so. (Turns to Clary, a very somber expression upon his face) Clary, I just want you to know…if I had accidentally turned you into one of the Forsaken, it would SOOOOO be over. I mean, relationships with cultural diversity are one thing, but necrophilia just happens to be one of my turn-offs.

Clary: …Well I'm glad to hear that. And what do you mean it would be over?

Jace: FORESH-

Clary: (Lifts her knee)

Jace: …Never mind.

Clary: Yeah, that's what I thought.

Jace: Maybe I should go check to see if there are any more Forsaken…

Madame Dorothea: (Sporting a hooded cloak that covers her face) I would not do that if I were you…there are more where that one came from…

Clary: Madame Dorothea?

Madame Dorothea: Of course it's me, you stupid bitch! Who the hell else were you expecting, Mickey Mouse?

Jace: No, but he'd be a welcome sight over you, I'm sure.

Madame Dorothea: Whatever, you totally got your pretty boy ass handed to you by that Forsaken and his refrigerator.

Jace: Wait, you know about-

Madame Dorothea: Yes, and I also know about the Clave and Anthony Hopkins as well.

Jace/Clary: GASP!

Madame Dorothea: And I also know the results for the Oscars this year. (Suddenly, she pops up right in front of the camera and starts waving her hands all over the place, as if trying to put the audience into a trance of some sort) Inception will sweep…you know this to be true…Inception…Inception…

Jace: Uh…I don't think you really need to tell people this…

Clary: Most people already think this is going to happen anyway.

Madame Dorothea: Whatever. Come into my shop.

Clary: Well, what's the worst that could happen?

Jace: Well, when we wake up in three hours, and Madame Dorothea has stolen our kidneys from us, that can be the answer to your question.

Clary: Jace, that's just an urban legend. And I thought it was supposed to be a hooker who steals the kidneys.

Madame Dorothea: Well, I did use to be a chip n' dale dancer back in my youth…

Jace: DX

Clary: (Sigh) Once again, what's the worst that could happen?

Madame Dorothea: Well, who wants a striptease while I read their tealeaves?

Jace: That, Clary, is the worst that could happen.

Clary: D:

* * *

**_AUTHOR'S NOTE:_**

**Sorry that I haven't updated in ages, but I've been lazy/busy/depressed. Take your pick. Either works. **

**Anyway, I read over all the reviews yesterday while I was working on this chapter, and I want to thank all of you for being so patient and encouraging. **

**I'm not sure how I feel about this chapter, to be terribly honest. I think there's a lot of humor in it, but there's also a lot of dead space in it as well, because Jace has to explain so much shit to Clary in this chapter because she's such a, you guessed it, dumbass.**

**I've also written the final chapter for when we get to the last chapter of the City of Glass portion, which won't be for quite some time. It was pretty funny, so at least you guys have something to look forward to.**

**Also, in case you guys haven't realized with Anthony Hopkins and Morgan Freeman playing Hodge and Luke in this parody, I'm really into celebrity cameos, so you've probably guessed that Madame Dorothea will also be played by a famous celebrity as well. **

**I'll be nice and give you guys a hint, if you'd like:**

**...SHE'S A WOMAN**

**Yokoku21 asked in a review if I actually like the MI series. Wasn't quite sure what she meant by that. Does this parody make you angry? Because it's not supposed to upset anyone. It's just for humor. I adore this series, but I'll be the first one to admit that it's not written very well, is super cliche, and the characters are eerily reminiscent of characters from various books and television shows, such as Harry Potter and Buffy the Vampire Slayer (Which I recently started watching, by the way. What I want to know is, how the hell did it get so damn popular? Sure it's fun and all, but it's still not a very great show/concept).**

**By the way, as for the spontaneous musical number, that will be explained later on.**

**Anyway, hope you enjoy!**

**R&R please!**

**~VL**


	7. The Inconveniently Placed Portal

_**DISCLAIMER:**_

**Sorry it's taken so long for me to update. As a way of apologizing, I've written two chapters for you guys. **

**So yeah, I don't own anything that's clearly owned by other people, especially the Mortal Instruments series.**

**Oh, and if you're a regular reader, be sure to check out the author's note at the end of this chapter.**

* * *

**City of Bones:**

**7**

**The Inconveniently Placed Portal**

(Clary and Jace enter Madame Dorothea's apartment, and suddenly, she lifts her hood, only to reveal…)

Clary: Betty White?

Madame Dorothea: Who were you expecting, Cloris Leachman?

Clary: Well…no. Not really. I mean, I wasn't really expecting _anyone_, to be honest.

Jace: …Who's Betty White? :/

Madame Dorothea: Boy, you best be joking…(Raises her cane to hit Jace with)

Clary: Don't worry about him. Unless you're a tramp riding the subway, he doesn't seem to notice.

Madame Dorothea: (Seductive wink at Jace) Well…I can slip into something a little bit more comfortable for you, then, if you'd like…

Jace: Er…by 'more comfortable', do you mean a floor-length nightgown?

Madame Dorothea: No…

Jace: Footy pajamas?

Madame Dorothea: Try again…

Jace: Please tell me it's old-fashioned and conservative…

Madame Dorothea: Last time I checked, birthday suits are still considered…(Whispers into Jace's ears) _provocative_…

Jace: (Girlish shriek. Hides behind Clary in horror)

Madame Dorothea: (Shrugs) I'm too much woman for you to handle anyway.

Clary: (Rolls her eyes at Jace) Listen, Madame Dorothea, I know my mom used to do favors for you.

Madame Dorothea: (Shifty eyes) I don't know what you're talking about…

Clary: Do French fries and porn ring a bell to you?

Madame Dorothea: Mmmmm…indeed, I have quite fond memories of those dealings between your mother and myself…

Jace: …Ew.

Madame Dorothea: Don't judge me, small fry.

Jace: Oh yeah? Old wrinkly toad!

Madame Dorothea: Draco knockoff!

Cassandra Clare: D: NOOOOOO! EVERYONE STOP REFERRING TO MY FANFICTION DAYS! THEY'RE OVER NOW! (Flounces off, sobbing)

(Awkward silence)

Jace: …Grandma.

Madame Dorothea: Well at least I don't have daddy issues!

Jace: GASP! FIEND! (Slaps Madame Dorothea)

Clary: STOP!

Jace/Madame Dorothea: (Freeze. However, Madame Dorothea elbows Jace, and the two engage in a slap fest)

Clary: BAAAAAWWWWW! I JUST WANT TO FIND MY MOM AND MAKEOUT WITH JACE!

(Awkward silence)

Madame Dorothea: I'm so sorry, Clary. How insensitive of me. Here, I'll help you find Jocelyn-

Jace: (Pushes Madame Dorothea out of the way. Puckers lips) I gots my kissy face on, Clary. (Seductive wink)

Clary: (Turns to Madame Dorothea) Yeah, so, like, can you help me find my mom now?

Jace: D:

Madame Dorothea: Of course I can help you find your mother, Clary. Come into my parlor.

Jace: Said the spider to the fly.

Clary: You're a freak, you know that, right?

Jace: Thanks. (Pause) Wait a minute…

Madame Dorothea: Well, while we wait for generic blonde hot character to puzzle that one over for a bit, why don't we sit down and have some tea?

Clary: That would be nice.

Jace: Just as long as it's not Earl Grey.

Clary: Why don't you like Earl Grey?

Jace: Well, if you must know, I detest the name 'Earl'. Reminds me of how much I loathe NBC. And personally, I feel like I'm more of a 'beige' person than a 'grey'…

(Awkward silence ensues while Jace frets over his outfit)

Madame Dorothea: Is he-

Clary: (Sighs) Yeah. He's serious.

(They sit down)

Jace: Tsk. (Flops wrist in overtly flamboyant fashion) This setting is _so_ tacky. I mean, crystal ball? Circular table with a tablecloth draping all the way to the floor? Ominous, tall recliner that allows you to loom out of the shadows as you speak to your guests?

Clary: Yeah. You'd almost think she was a fortuneteller, or something.

Jace: _Seriously_.

Clary: (Facepalm. Notices Jace is hiding an Iratze on his lap) _Another_ one of those magical knife thingies? Last time you tried to impale me.

Jace: (Horrified expression, arms flailing, the Iratze dangling dangerously close to Clary every time he does so) Aye carumba! No hay magia! No hay magia! No gusta! No gusta!

(Suddenly, Salsa Dancer Alec™ appears from out of nowhere, screams "Oley!" and begins to throw confetti everwhere, while dancing to festive fiesta music, as Jace's antics continue)

Clary: …What? I don't even…

Madame Dorothea: …I hope you know you're sweeping after we're done here.

Clary: (Sigh)

Madame Dorothea: Now, let me read your palm.

Jace: You're not going to do anything…gross, are you?

Madame Dorothea: (Licks lips seductively)

Jace: D:

Clary: Ok, read my palm.

Madame Dorothea: (Takes Clary's hand) So you really _will_ screw your brother.

Clary: Seriously, this again?

Jace: For-

Clary: SHUT UP!

Jace: Jesus, Clary, why you gotta be so damn testy all the time? (Turns to Madame Dorothea, giddy expression) So, can you read _my_ palm?

Madame Dorothea: Sure thing, hot stuff. (Takes a grimacing Jace's hand, and looks down at his palm) Hmmm…

Jace: What?

Madame Dorothea: Ooh…well, who would have thought…

Jace: (Practically jumping out of his seat) What? What is it?

Madame Dorothea: …You really _are_ more of a beige person. Huh.

Jace: …Stupid fraud.

Madame Dorothea: (Smacks Jace with her cane) Hold on there, sunny boy! I wasn't finished yet!

Clary: …Where'd that cane come from?

Madame Dorothea: You're gonna screw the wrong person.

Jace: Foresh-

Clary: (Steals Madame Dorothea's cane and slams it into Jace's crotch)

Jace: Meep…

Clary: Listen, I just need to know where my mom is!

(Awkward silence)

Jace: (Turns to Madame Dorothea) …So, how exactly can you supposedly tell the future?

Clary: -_-

Madame Dorothea: Well, my mother was a witch.

Jace: (Spews out a mouthful of steaming hot Earl Grey, which hits Clary square in the face) No way! Downworlders are infertile, man!

Clary: (Rolling around on the floor, arms flailing as she covers her face in agony) AAAAAAUUUUHHHHH MY FACE!

(Yet another awkward silence as Clary flails about)

Madame Dorothea: So, uh…you gonna do anything about that?

Jace: (Sips tea nonchalantly)

Madame Dorothea: (Sighs) Didn't think so.

Clary: (Sits back down, her face now a horribly mutilated mound of missing flesh and bones) WHAT ARE YOU PLAYING AT, WAYLAND?

Jace: Teehee. You look like Two-face.

Madame Dorothea: (Snickers) Yeah, Clary, maybe you should ring up Nolan for an audition.

Clary: (Pouts) Now how will I ever get laid?

Jace: Just put a paper bag over your head during sex. Should fix the problem real quick-like.

Clary: D:

Madame Dorothea: Ok, tea leaves time! (Takes Jace's cup and looks into it) Holy cheese and dumplings, kid, you are one fucked up little cookie!

Clary: (Mouthing to Jace in bewilderment) Holy cheese and dumplings…?

Jace: (Shrugs)

Madame Dorothea: Well, aside from bonking the wrong person, apparently you only exist because of Cassandra Clare's obsession with her fanfiction version of Draco Malfoy, which suddenly explains the need to describe your freakishly blonde hair in every other paragraph, your crippling daddy issues, and why you happen to have a certain panache for ridiculously tight leather pants.

Jace: GASP! IT'S LIKE SHE'S IN MY HEAD! D:

Clary: :/

Madame Dorothea: (Squints at the bottom of the cup) Hmmm…oh, and apparently you're secretly gay for the Harry Potter knockoff in this series.

Clary: So would that be Alec or Simon, then?

Jace: Well…

(Suddenly, Alec looms in out of the shadows, creeping over Jace's shoulders in anticipation)

Jace: Most likely Simon.

Alec: Hmpf! (Poufs)

Jace: But I'm not gay, so no worries, Clary.

Madame Dorothea: …She never even said she was worried…

Jace: Shut up, Grandma.

Madame Dorothea: D:

Clary: Not gay, eh? Well, the spontaneous musical number in the last chapter begs to differ.

Mysterious Narrator: (Camera angle melodramatically zooms in on Jace's narrowed eyes) But little did Clary Fray know that breaking into spontaneous musical numbers was in Jace Wayland's blood, clawing at his flesh, desperately trying to get out…

(Suddenly, the camera angle snaps back to normal, now showing Valentine sitting at the table next to Jace, obliviously speaking into an unplugged microphone)

Jace: Uh…Valentine?

Valentine: Hmmm? Oh hey, Jace. (Tosses the microphone behind him, which hits a mysterious curtain hanging on the wall. The curtain falls away, revealing a portal, which sucks the microphone into it)

Clary: What the hell is that?

Madame Dorothea: Oh, nothing. That's just my inconveniently placed portal.

Clary: Huh.

Jace: Valentine, you know you shouldn't be on set right now.

Valentine: But I'm not on until chapter nineteen! I have, like, three chapters of screen time, if that! IT'S NOT FAIR! (Pouty flail)

Jace: (Facepalm)

Clary: And you thought _Galbatorix_ was a wimp.

Jace: Shut up, Two-face.

Clary: (Sobs)

Jace: Excuse us for a moment. (Takes Valentine to the side) Valentine, what the hell, man? You _know_ bad things happen when I'm around you…

Valentine: Embrace it, Jace…embrace the darkness…

Jace: No…I'm not like you…

Valentine: (Grips Jace's chin in melodramatic fashion) Soon you will see things my way, Jace…soon…(Begins to hum the Star Wars Sith theme music) DUM DA DUM DUM DA DUM DUM DA DUM…DOO DOO DOO DOO DEE DEE DOO DEE DOOO DOOO….

Jace: (Darth Vader scream of anguish) NOOOOOOO!

(Awkward silence as Jace is screaming in agony on his knees, fists in the air melodramatically as Valentine laughs evilly over him, lightning in the background)

Clary: Um…where the hell did the lighting come from?

Madame Dorothea: And you two do realize that we can hear everything you say, right?

Jace: What? I took him to the side and everything!

Valentine: Yeah! That cliché is foolproof, I tell you! FOOLPROOF!

Madame Dorothea: Not when you're standing less than a foot away from the table, it's not.

Valentine: Huh.

Jace: Yeah. I guess we could have thought that one over a bit.

Clary: You think?

Valentine: Whatever, Jace. I'll be back for you in chapter nineteen. (Cell phone rings) Hello? Oh, hey, Voldemort! Nah, I always got time for you, bro! Wanna talk over a latte or two? (Exits)

Clary: And we're supposed to be _afraid_ of that loser?

Madame Dorothea: Apparently. Your mom said he was bad news, Clary.

Clary: She did? When?

Madame Dorothea: She said so in this note she left for you in case anything like this should ever happen to you. (Hands Clary a note)

Clary: (Reads the note)

_Dear Clary,_

_Valentine is bad news._

_Love, Mom._

Clary: -_-

Madame Dorothea: Of course, she got herself into this mess, what, with her being what she is, and all.

Jace: What do you mean?

Madame Dorothea: Dude. She was a Shadowhunter. I thought that was pretty fucking obvious by now.

Clary: No way! _My_ _mom_ was a Shadowhunter?

Jace: (Puts hand on Clary's shoulder) It's ok, Clary, I'm sure she didn't tell you to protect-

Clary: That means that _I'm_ a Shadowhunter by _default_!

Jace: Uh…that's not _quite_ how it works…

Clary: SHADOWHUNTER CLARY SMASH! (Smashes the table Hulk style)

Jace: Um…

Madame Dorothea: I hope you two realize that you're paying for that.

Jace: (Facepalm)

Clary: SHADOWHUNTER CLARY USE SUPER SPEED! AAAAAAUUUUHHH! (Runs into the portal across the room, arms flailing about as she yodels random war cries from Braveheart)

Jace: Whaaaaa…?

Madame Dorothea: (Leans suggestively over the now broken table) So, Now that _Ugly's_ gone…wanna see the moves I used to land myself the role on _Golden Girls_?

Jace: (Arms flailing as he flings himself into the portal after Clary) FREEEEEDOOOOOOMMMMM!

* * *

**_Author's Note:_**

**So...if this fic ever ends up just...poufing...it's because a certain someone on this site is rather miffed that I'm writing it in script format. Apparently that's a sin or something. I understand that it may be a rule on this site, but it's one that I view as unecessary and just plain silly. I would try and rewrite this all in actual story format, but I haven't the time for that massive of a project, especially not with all the stuff I have going on in real life, including my own novel.**

**So if this ever disappears, sorry. It's been good, and I really hope it doesn't come down to that, but it may.**


	8. Weapon of Choice: Ghetto Brawl IV

_**DISCLAIMER:**_

**I OWN NOTHING O:**

* * *

**City of Bones**

**8**

**Weapon of Choice: Ghetto Brawl IV**

(Clary is now flying through the air, thanks to a cheesy tacked-on green screen effect)

Clary: SHADOWHUNTER CLARY FLY TO MOMMY'S RESCUE! ZOOM!

(Suddenly, Jace pops up behind Clary)

Clary: SHADOWHUNTER JACE FLY TOO?

Jace: (Sighs) We're not flying Clary. We're falling.

Buzz Lightyear: (Flies onto screen) WITH STYLE, BITCHES!

Jace: No, Buzz. Just falling.

Buzz Lightyear: Huh. Sucks for you two, then. (Flies off-screen)

Clary: …Eh?

(The two adolescents topple to the ground)

Clary: Uuuuhhh…ow…..

Jace: (Rolls eyes) Some Shadowhunter.

Clary: Fuck you, man. (Gets up) If you hadn't-OH MY GOD I KNOW WHERE WE'RE AT!

Jace: …The ghetto?

Clary: Yup! Which means Luke's house is nearby!

Jace: Are we seriously _still_ trying to imply that Luke is black, even though Cassandra Clare _clearly_ describes him as being a middle-aged Caucasian male?

Velvet Liquor: I can't help how I pictured him. Besides, now we get lots of insulting racist jokes!

Jace: Um…yay for being politically incorrect?

(Clary and Jace arrive at Luke's house)

Clary: So anyway, Luke is basically like my adopted dad, and he totally wants to bonk my mom, but she's a total cocktease. And he's way too-

(Suddenly, Batman descends from the heavens, blocking the moonlight with his cape of awesomeness)

Jace: (Girlish shriek. Hides behind Clary)

(However, Batman's grappling hook gets caught on Luke's chimney, and Batman ends up tangled up, hanging from the roof, helpless)

Jace: Well that was…sad. :(

Clary: (Sighs) Hey, Simon.

Simon: (Throaty voice) I'M BATMAN, BITCH!

Clary: (Shoots laser beams from her eyes, cutting Simon down, who lands on his ass) No you're not, Simon. You still have the damn tag on the cape, and besides, that's totally the same costume you wore from when we went as Batman and Robin for Halloween three years ago. I mean, the top part of the costume doesn't even fit past your shoulders anymore, stupid.

Simon: (Dejected look) You always were my Robin.

Cynical Reader: (Facepalm)

Cynical Reader's Mother: …Ok, I'll give you that one, at least. That was just sad.

Jace: Um… (Looks at Clary's smoking eyeballs) HOW THE FUCK DID YOU JUST DO THAT? (Looks Simon up and down) And you're just pathetic.

Simon: Screw you, Blondie. (Awkward pause) So…you wanna be our Harvey Dent?

Clary: Simon!

Jace: No thanks, man; I'm more of a Marvel person myself, anyways.

Clary/Simon: GASP!

Jace: What? Was it something I said?

Velvet Liquor: Bitch, please.

Jace: :/

Simon: (Abruptly turns to Clary) Where the hell have you been for the last three days, Fray? Huh? Screwing Harvey?

Jace: Um…my name is Jace-

Simon: (Batman voice) SHUT UP, DENT!

Jace: …?

Clary: (Sighs) Simon, are you off your meds again?

Simon: No!

Clary: (Raises eyebrow)

Simon: …That obvious, is it?

Jace: DUH.

Simon: Luke told me you ran away to join the circus, and-HOLY MOTHER OF GOD I JUST REALIZED WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO YOUR FACE? D8

Clary: :(

Jace: Told you Earl Grey was a bad idea. Nothing good ever comes from beverages named after ugly men named Earl.

Clary: -_-

Simon: (Gags in his mouth, and pulls of his Batman cowl) Here, please…just put this on…

Clary: C'mon, Simon! You have got to be kidding-

Simon: (Spews projectile vomit, which hits Jace square in the chest, knocking him a good thirty or so feet backwards) FOR THE LOVE OF GOD CLARY JUST PUT THE DAMN MASK ON!

Clary: (Sighs, and puts the mask on)

Jace: (Walks back to them, now covered in nerd vomit) I fucking _hate_ Mundies.

Simon: You hate Mondays? It's Thursday, you moron. Get with the program.

Jace: (Raises Iratze) D:

Clary: Down, boy.

Jace: You can't tell me what to do, Batman! My name is not Robin!

Clary/Simon: …?

(Awkward silence)

Jace: Damn. Your nerdiness is infecting me.

Simon: Ok, now that _that_ fiasco is over with…mind telling me what the hell is going on here?

Jace: Well, if you _must_ know-

Clary: I'M A SHADOWHUNTER, BITCH!

Simon: O_o

Jace: So, apparently neglecting to take certain medication is going around. Like, big time.

Simon: You're a what?

Jace: _I'm_ a Shadowhunter. I hunt down demons and Downworlders. (Looks at Clary)

Clary: (Tone-deafly humming the Batman theme song to herself)

Jace: (Sighs) _She's_ just an idiot.

Simon: (Gets his geek face on) :D THIS IS SO KOOL! I'M TOTALLY GONNA TWEET ABOUT THIS NOW! (Takes out his iPhone)

Jace: Sweet! But can I use that first to tweet about my awesome new bff Simon?

Simon: (Hands Jace the iPhone) :D

Jace: (Snaps the iPhone in half) D:

Simon: D:

Jace: No one can know about this, Mundie.

Simon: B…But you could have just _told_ me that…

Jace: But then I wouldn't have been able to turn my anguish over my dead father into burning rage over your silly technology, would I? (Walks into Luke's house)

Simon: (Looks at Clary imploringly) Does this mean he _isn't_ going to tweet about his new bff Simon?

Clary: (Rolls eyes and follows after Jace)

Simon: Whatevs, Robin, whatevs.

(Inside Luke's house)

Clary: Ugh. It's so dark in here.

Simon: Fear not, Robin, for Batman always brings a spare Bat-Flash with him!

Jace: Bat-Flash…?

Clary: Don't ask. Just don't.

(Five minutes later)

Simon: (Fumbling around in his pockets) Hey, wait a minute…how the fuck did my pet goldfish get in here? Ooohh…Sammy, you're not looking too good…(Discreetly tosses Sammy the dead goldfish into the nearest trash bin)

Clary: D:

Jace: Allow me, idiots. (Turns the light switch on)

Simon: The last time I saw Luke here, he was putting all of these weird weapons into this ugly-ass duffel bag.

Clary: Weapons? What for?

Simon: …I don't know, Clary. That's kind of the plot, stupid.

Clary: Oh. Right.

Jace: (Eye roll)

(Suddenly, the door opens, and loud voices can be heard)

Simon: Shit! Someone's coming!

Jace: Scatter!

(Clary and Simon hide behind the sofa, and a panicked Jace hides behind the window curtains, which are too narrow to actually cover him)

Pangborn: Lucian, calm the fuck down!

Luke: (Unintelligible babble)

Clary: I can't understand what he's saying…

Simon: I guess we can use Google Translator. (Discreetly reaches from behind the sofa, and pulls the computer behind the couch, making a huge crashing noise as he does so)

Simon: (Cringes)

Clary: Fucking idiot!

Luke: (Smacks his fist into the wall) Yo Damn rats in da walls! Always going afta muh motha fuckin cheese an' keeping muh motha fuckin beotches away! Don't make me shank ya!

Simon: (Typing away) Now, let me just set Google Translator to Pimp Speak…

Clary: Pimp Speak? I swear, there's some ridiculous made up language about _everything_ these days.

Simon: IKR?

Clary: (Facepalm)

Simon: There! Done.

Clary: Well?

Simon: (Shrugs) Something about cheese and bitches getting shanked. I dunno.

Clary: (Facepalm)

Blackwell: Lucian, did you not just see that hand come up from behind your couch and take your computer?

Luke: (Snarls) Big ass rats, beotch.

Blackwell: :/

Luke: Yo beotch where iz muh motha fuckin money? You know das right!

Simon: (Typing) Excuse me good Caucasian sir, but have you any idea where my life savings has gone?

Pangborn: Um…Lucian, we're not here for your money.

Blackwell: _Caucasian_? Lucian, I'm _purple_. So yeah…I have no idea _what_ you're talking about.

Luke: Ah don' care if you purple or not, beotch! Dem damn rats iz grubbin on me out o' crib an' home! Ah need muh motha fuckin beotches an' muh motha fuckin cocaine all ye damn hood ratz…

Blackwell: (Whispering to Pangborn) What the hell is he talking about?

Pangborn: I don't know…it's like he's speaking another language…

Simon: (Starts to type, and then shrugs) I give up.

Clary: Funny. I never heard Luke talk like this back when I didn't know I was a Shadowhunter.

Jace: Shut up, you're not a Shadowhunter, bitch.

Pangborn: Um…are your curtain's talking?

Luke: Yo Damn rats stop mind controlling muh motha fuckin floral curtains! Dey uh gift from muh motha fuckin ho! Awww looks like muh motha fuckin pot roast iz ready beotches. Jus' like Orenthawl James. (Enters the kitchen)

Blackwell: Whaaaa…?

Pangborn: Dude, he's coming back. Act natural.

Luke: Yo You beotches hungry? Ah know ah be. Ah'm so hungry ah could slap uh ho.

Random Ho: (Calling up from the cellar) Please…I'm so hungry…just feed me…

Luke: Don' make me come ova there beotch...

Random Ho: (Sobs)

Pangborn: That's ok…we're not very hungry…

Luke: Yo You back talking muh motha fuckin hospitality, beotch? Ah know you didn't just do dat, cracker. Ah'ma go all ghetto brawl IV on yo' ass, cracker. Ya' know what I'm sayin'?

Pangborn: Um…no. I _don't_ know what you're saying.

Blackwell: (Crying) DON'T HURT ME….

Pangborn: Um…Valentine is looking for you, man.

Luke: (Pause) Really? Well, the least he could have done was sent a card after all he put me through.

(Awkward silence)

Luke: What? Something I said?

Blackwell: Dude…you just…how…why…

Pangborn: (Puts a hand on Blackwell's shoulder) It's ok. I don't know either.

Blackwell: :/

Luke: Let me guess? He's looking for the Mortal Cup?

Pangborn: Yeah. Know where he might find it?

Luke: (Shifty eyes) Hell no, beotch.

Blackwell: He's also looking for the girl.

Luke: Don't know where she is either.

Pangborn: Why, Lucian, it appears that your eyes are becoming even _shiftier_!

Luke: Huh. Go figure.

Pangborn: Well, when you decide you wanna talk, buddy, we'll make a trade: Jocelyn, for the cup.

Blackwell: Yeah, you can totally add her to your collection of hoes.

Random Ho: No…he doesn't feed us…there's too many of us as there is…no more…

Luke: (Stomps on the floor) Shut yo mouth beotch!

Random Hoes: (Sobs)

Blackwell: Well, you could always give them that pot roast, you know…

Pangborn: Yeah, seeing as how you're not even eating it.

Luke: Ah'll eat dat damn pot roast when ah feel like it you little fucker! Ah'm da motha fuckin king o' pot roasts! None o' you beotches gonna take dat away from me! (Takes out random gun and starts shooting it at his own ceiling) Hear da pot roast king o' pimps an' beotches roar, motha fuckers! In the hood, beotches!

Blackwell: JESUS CHRIST! HE'S FUCKING CRAZY, MAN!

Pangborn: RUN!

(Pangborn and Blackwell run out of the house, Luke shooting after them)

Luke: Dat's right you little beotches. Run beotch run. Ah'm fuck you up if you ever come in muh motha fuckin hood ag'in, you hear? Damn rats an' cheese an' hoes an' Shadowhunter beotches…all ye damn hood ratz... (Exits the house with his ugly duffel bag stuffed with weapons and various hoes and other ghetto-related belongings)

(Clary and Simon gingerly poke their heads over the sofa, terrified)

Simon: Oh dear God…

Clary: That was so terrifying…

Jace: Teehee. I love how all three of them saw Simon grab the computer, but no one ever once questioned the boy hiding behind the curtains.

Clary: Why were they calling him Lucian? And what does my mother have to do with the Mortal Cup? And who were those two mysterious men?

Jace: WWWWWAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! (Flailing)

Simon: Um…what?

Jace: Those bitches killed my dad! (Sob)

Clary: GASP!

Jace: OH THE AGONY! IT HURTS SO BAD!

Simon: (Sigh) Is this the part where his crippling daddy issues actually start to…you know…

Velvet Liquor: Cripple him? Yeah, pretty much.

Jace: WWWWWAAAAAAHHHHH THEY KILLED MY DADDY! (Starts rolling around on the ground melodramatically, Clary frantically running after him, trying to comfort his flailing body)

Simon: (Broods) Am I'm supposed to lose the girl to _that_?

Velvet Liquor: (Looks at Jace, who's sobbing and flailing, and drowning in his own pool of tears, and then back at Simon) Damn man, you _are_ pathetic!

Simon: (Sighs) Yeah, I know. :(

* * *

**_AUTHOR'S NOTE:_**

**Not gonna lie. I had WAY too much fun writing this chapter. All the 'pimp speak' from Luke? Yeah, got that from an actual Ghetto Translator I found on the Internet. Fun stuff, man. Fun stuff.**

**Well, as hopefully you all know (Refer back to last chapter's author's note, in case you do not), this might be the end of City of Morons. It's been fun, and you guys have been great. I love all the reviews telling me how much fun you all have while reading, and my favorites are the ones where you all joke about how your families will think you're crazy if they hear how hard you've been laughing.**

**It sucks that some people can't seem to understand that this is just for fun. Oh well, you can't win every battle.**

**So, R&R, as this could very well be the last chapter of this parody if worst comes to worst.**

**Or, as Luke, 'da motha fuckin king o' pot roasts', would say:**

**"Cuz dis here could very well be da last chapter. You know all ye dam hood ratz..."**

**Thanks, guys. **


	9. The Oval and the Sisterhood

_**AUTHOR'S NOTE:**_

**Is the coast clear? **

**Well, I don't know if it is, but I'm back!**

**Not the funniest chapter of this parody, but it was also a pretty dry chapter in the book. Hopefully the flashback segment helped it a little.**

_**DISCLAIMER:**_

**I do not own TMI. I do not own whatever else I mentioned in this parody that obviously is not mine.**

* * *

**City of Bones**

**9**

**The Oval and the Sisterhood of the Traveling Panties**

Clary: So they really killed your father?

Jace: (Sniffle) Yeah...hold me?

Clary: Of course! (Pulls Jace into a hug)

Jace: (Looks at Simon over Clary's shoulder) Ha.

Simon: :(

(Subway station)

Subway Driver:

_I remember, doing the time warp-_

Jace: STFU.

Subway Driver: :(

Simon: I can't believe I'm riding the subway with a demon hunter. This is just like-

Jace: No. Before you even say it, this is not like Dungeons & Dragons, or Sonic the Hedgehog, or any other nerdy pop culture thing you can think of. Got it?

Simon: ...But it's just like-

Jace: No. There will be no more pop culture references in this parody.

Clary: You're just scared they're going to make you sing again.

Jace: Meep...

(They arrive at the Institute)

Jace: Be quiet, ok? I don't want you to wake up-

(Suddenly, Alec throws the doors to the Institute wide open, sporting hair curlers and a pink old woman's nightgown)

Jace: (Grimaces) ...Alec.

Alec: Where the hell have you been? Do you have any idea what time it is? I've been so worried! (Grabs onto Jace, running his hands through his hair while smooshing Jace's head into his chest while sobbing) Don't you ever do this to me again!

Simon: What the...?

Clary: I don't even know.

(Isabelle magically appears next to Simon, brandishing a spoon)

Isabelle: You _knew_ tonight was tuna-fish casserole night! And you ditched us for a bunch of mundies!

Alec: You left me all by myself! You know how dangerous tuna-fish casserole night is, and you didn't even bring me back any Chinese food? What the hell, man? I had to hide in my closet for _hours_!

Simon: (Opens his mouth)

Clary: Forget it. That joke's already been made about seventeen times by now.

Simon: Ah.

Isabelle: How could you, Jace? _What_? DO YOU NOT LIKE MY COOKING ALL OF A SUDDEN?

Jace: Isabelle-

Isabelle: (Snaps)

Alec: (Bitchslaps Jace)

Jace: -_-

(Suddenly, Hodge also appears alongside Alec and Isabelle)

Jace: Hodge, I-

Hodge: (Bitchslaps Jace) You're making me miss America's Got Talent!

Jace: That's not even on until the summer!

Hodge: ...Oh. Well then, I guess we're having this conversation for no reason. Goodnight.

Jace: :)

Isabelle: He missed Tuna-fish casserole night.

Alec: And saved all of it for _us_, Hodge.

Jace: Wait, I can explain-

Hodge: WHAT? HOW THE HELL COULD YOU BETRAY US LIKE THAT, JACE? YOU KNOW ALEC AND I HAVE DELICATE FEMININE FIGURES! WE HAVE TO WATCH WHAT OUR BODIES TAKE IN, YOU DOUCHE!

Jace: I was busy getting my palm read by a pedophilia-inclined psychic played by Betty White, if you must know.

Hodge: Oh! I like Betty White!

Alec: Yeah, she's really funny-wait! No way you're getting off the hook for this one! Nothing excuses leaving me behind on tuna-fish casserole night.

Jace: (Seductive voice) Well...I suppose I'll just have to make it up to you tonight, then...

Alec: Uh...how?

Jace: By letting you borrow my XBOX tonight. What did you think I was talking about?

Alec: So what was the seductive voice for?

Jace: Oh, that? That's just my natural speaking voice.

Simon: (Rolls eyes)

Clary: Ok, can we get back to the plot now? Something's up with Luke, and my mom is still MIA!

Hodge: (Throws a book at Clary's face) Oh, right. Yeah, your mom was really in Valentine's secret group of aspiring evil Shadowhunters, and she was screwing him. (Wrist spontaneously snaps) OWWWWWWW!

Alec: Hmmmm...there's something you don't want us to know about your past, isn't there, Hodge?

Cynical Reader: -_-

Clary: D:

Hodge: Yeah, so your daddy is evil, Clary. (Creepily stares at Jace)

Jace: Uh...what was that look for?

Hodge: You're not the only one who can foreshadow, bitch.

Clary: Wait. How do you know any of this?

Hodge: Because, Clary...(Melodramatic music playing in the background) I WAS THERE!

Clary/Jace/Alec/Isabelle: GASP!

Simon: Um...gasp?

Everyone: (Stares at Simon awkwardly)

Simon: I just want to belong.

Hodge: Well, I think I'll show you what I mean, Clary...THROUGH A FLASHBACK!

FLASHBACK: (Random seventies music playing)

Jocelyn: The seventies are awesome, Lucian!

Lucian: (Staring in anguish at Jocelyn) WHY DON'T YOU NOTICE ME?

(Everyone turns to face Lucian, the seventies music screeching to a halt)

Valentine: Dude, I do too notice you, buddy. I just neglect our friendship to constantly screw the girl you love.

Lucian: :(

Michael: I thought we were going to watch a movie? I brought Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants and everything.

Hodge: Booooooo. I wanna watch Dream Girls.

Valentine: Would you all shut up? We're supposed to be discussing important Sisterhood matters, remember?

Lucian: I'm sorry, Valentine, but this just seems dumb. Why can't we just call it the Brotherhood?

Valentine: Actually, we have to call it the Sisterhood due to our female members. We're trying to be politically correct, remember?

Lucian: :/

Random Shadowhunter: Wait a minute...how can we be politically correct if we're being racist towards Downworlders-

Valentine: (Throws an iratze at his head, killing him) Anyway...

Jocelyn: You just killed Jerry...

Valentine: Well I never liked his ice cream to begin with.

Lucian: (Looks at Jocelyn) And you're boning this moron?

Jocelyn: What can I say? He may be dumb, but at least he's cute.

Lucian: I'M CUTE TOO!

Valentine: I've already told you that you're cute, Luke, like three times tonight. (Turns to Stephen and Celine) God, he is _so_ clingy...

Lucian: And why the hell are we calling it an oval? It's supposed to be the Circle, isn't it?

Valentine: Yes, well, the fliers we posted along the campus didn't exactly produce the results we were looking for, so we don't exactly have enough members to make a full-blown circle just yet, so an oval is kind of the best we could hope for.

Robert: Yeah, apparently 'Seeking bloodthirsty individuals willing to die for their overzealous nutbag leader' was a turnoff.

Valentine: You know what, Robert? I am sick of your back-sass. Maryse, you need to learn how to control your woman.

Robert: Oh no you did not-

Valentine: Don't get your panties in a twist, ok?

Maryse: Srsly. Let it go, Rob. In a few years, karma's gonna make him its bitch.

Valentine: What was that?

Maryse: Oh, nothing much. Just foreshadowing.

Valentine: Well, constantly foreshadowing the plot is rather obnoxious, Maryse. Hmmmm...Jocelyn?

Jocelyn: Yes, dear?

Valentine: Remind me to brainwash our firstborn child to constantly foreshadow other people's subplots, ok? It will be my giant 'F U' to the world.

Michael: Um...are we all out of party food? Because I was told not to eat dinner, and-

(Everyone glares at Michael)

Michael: Sorry. My bad.

Valentine: Anyway, as I was saying...wait...what exactly was I saying?

Jocelyn: Nothing, really. This was merely used as a clever diversion from the main plot, to show how evil you are.

Lucian: Although, if anything, all it did to accomplish was show how much of a dumbfuck you are.

Valentine: What was that, Luke? Oh sorry, I couldn't hear you over the sound of me nailing your dream girl. Now, everyone point and laugh at him.

Robert: Is that really necessary-

Valentine: POINT AND LAUGH, I SAY!

(Everyone points and laughs at Luke)

Lucian: :(

(Back to the present)

Clary: Wow...Valentine is so evil!

Jace: IKR? How could he not like Ben and Jerry's?

Everyone: (Stares at Jace incredulously)

Jace: What? Oh...you were talking about him...killing people...and stuff...weren't you?

Clary: (Facepalm)

* * *

_**AUTHOR'S NOTE:**_

**It is far too easy to make fun of Alec. I mean, poor kid.**

**And Valentine is the only reason I'm still writing this thing, because I have so many funny parts written with him from the third book.**

**Also, one more chapter until Magnus.**

**Just saying.**

**AND IT'S GONNA BE AWESOME.**


End file.
